thoughts on 2012
January 9th, 2012 § 9 Comments
Though I had purposely avoided discussing the requisite resolutions that the top of the year brings, here I am, nine days later, finding not that I have resolutions, but instead the idea of the new year, in general, on the brain. 2011 was a hard year. Really hard. There were a few good moments here and there, sure, but I don’t think in all my life I’ve ever felt stress they way I felt it last year. Medication-inducing stress. Nightmares and insomnia for months from apparent PTSD-level stress. Yes, it was that bad. The year had begun in a hopeful spirit, as I naively reasoned that nothing could be as bad as 2010 had been.
2011, I’m sorry to say, will probably be a year that I look back on forevermore and cringe while slowly shaking my head.
On the first day of this year, last week, I found myself in a somewhat rotten mood. I was irritated, as if some invisible splinter were jabbing at every surface of my body. I took down the Christmas tree, put the decorations away and vacuumed. I spent the day cleaning up, preparing for the upcoming week of packed lunches, busy schedules, and ironed clothes. These activities usually make me feel productive and satisfied; instead, I wallowed further in my funk.
Later, in the early evening, I ran out to the store for a few things. As I drove back the sun had already sunk behind the hills; they left a thick black outline against the horizon, and from their rolling tops sprang golden light, which faded into the darkening blue sky. My eyes and face relaxed at the sight; I felt my oppressive mood begin to lift and my cloudy mind begin to clear.
It was then, finally, that I thought about the new year before me, and what a gift it is. For the first time in a long, long time, it is a year that has arrived without expectations, without precursory issues and obligations; it is fresh and, indeed, new. I have no idea where this year will go, what will happen, what lessons I will learn.
So, I am avoiding resolutions this year and instead focusing on the gratefulness I feel for this new-found peace, for the weeks and months which stretch ahead, quietly so far. Also, for the joy of the unknown, as I gather the year in my hands and turn it over, slowly, wondering what is inside.
I loved this post. I usually consider the new year holiday sort of lame and mostly dangerous but this year I saw it as a way not to just make resolutions but clear out the mental and physical clutter and start over. I love the feeling of starting fresh. This year already feels so much better than the last (I bet you can agree with that).
Thanks, and yes, I completely agree. It feels good so far.
Totally relate in every way. I’ve stopped with the resolution charade…I’m enjoying a year without expectations and being present instead.
I didn’t even bother with the tree this year, just gave myself permission to run with my bad attitude which was actually pretty nice in it’s way. (I don’t have kids obviously)
No matter how foul my mood, I can’t help but be uplifted by Nature.
Sorry to know of your crappy 2011, I’d never know it from your writing – I really enjoy your blog : )
Best wishes for a happy, healthy and prosperous 2012!
Jackie
Jackie, thanks for your nice comment. Glad to year you had a good holiday ‘your way’ this year. My mom didn’t put up her decorations when she found out we wouldn’t be coming over (she came to our place instead) – no need to deal with the clutter, and I would’ve done the same thing.
Nature is indeed a remedy for most things; I find even just taking a walk around my neighborhood can help sometimes. I hope you also have a wonderful 2012 :)
I truly hope you have a wonderful 2012 and are able to hold on to that sense of peace.
Your second to last paragraph really resonates with me…I am in such a similar place, in a new year that is completely free and I have absolutely know idea what it is going to bring.
Let’s hope it brings peace and wonderful things. :)
Erin – we’re in the same boat! I am liking the mystery of the year so far, and hope you are too. I read your post about leaving your job the other day, and admire you for doing what was best for you (that can be so hard sometimes!). I hope you have a wonderful, fun 2012.
Thank you so much for this post. I have had a crappy last two years, too, and sometimes it just didn’t help to observe all the deceptively easy lives on blogs and Facebook. :) So I appreciate your honesty.
2012 has begun on a strangely fresh note. Just a few days into this year, I noticed I felt like I was humming inside, even if I was feeling down. I did a thorough cleaning & modest rearranging of our home — just a little something to represent a bit of a shift I’m feeling. I’m — dare I say — hopeful, sans resolutions, no clue as to how the year will unfold, there being so many unknowns despite our best-laid plans. This hope concerns me ;) given the last two years, but I am grateful it is there — and that I can, safely, scarred but not broken, turn the new year over in my hands, as you so eloquently put it, and wonder what is inside.
Hi Kamila; I must say, I am also constantly dismayed by the ‘reality’ a lot of websites feature. I don’t mean to sound harsh or judgmental because I know the people that run those sites work really hard at what they do, and put a lot of time and effort into it. However, I can’t help but feel those sites lack authenticity and truth, and I have vowed never to portray my blog that way because not only would it would be a total lie, but also because my photos just aren’t that good :). I’m totally with you on that.
I’m sorry to hear you had a difficult few years (I can obviously relate), but ‘m glad your year is getting off to a good start so far, and I hope it continues to bring good feelings and experiences to you!
PS. I also LOVE cleaning things out in my house; I always feel so refreshed afterward. I cleaned out every inch of our house to start the year fresh – and I enjoyed every minute :)
This post brought tears to my eyes. I haven’t been on here much as of late. I too have had quite the 2011, despite all the blessings. Being an educator and having to comply to a very strict code of conduct I have been very careful of what I put out there on my blog. This a good thing, as it limits the negative and allows me to focus on the positive. However, like looking at a photo album we see only the happy moments – definitely not an “authentic” snap shot of what really goes on in ones life. Yet it is these moments which often keep us moving forward when we are paralyzed with insomnia and anxiety. I applaud and thank you you for sharing these thoughts, seems to be just what I needed as I face some big changes in 2012.